Merry Freakin Christmas
by I'm.The.Tin.Dog
Summary: Have a merry, merry, merry freakin Christmas...


**A one-shot inspired by the song Merry Freakin' Christmas. Not how I would normally picture Christmas at the Burrow, but a dysfunctional family sometimes makes for a funny story. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the song Merry Freakin' Christmas. **

_School's out, Christmas break.  
Home for the holidays, meatloaf and fruit cake.  
Off to Grandma's, It's so boring.  
Screaming kids, and Grandpa snoring!_

I got off the Hogwart's express for my last Christmas break as a Hogwart's student. Merlin, it felt great to be a seventh year. I was followed by Rose, my only cousin in my year and my best friend Scorpius. Lily, Hugo and Lucy were comparing stories of their fifth year at Hogwarts.

"Hey Al, thanks for letting me crash at your place for the Holidays. I really wasn't looking forward to spending it with my family." Scorpius said. Rose rolled her eyes at him. Those two never got along.

"Don't thank me Scorpius. Christmas at the Burrow is probably no better than Christmas at your place."

"Yeah right."

Rose, Scorpius and I apperated back to our respective homes on our own while my mum and a few other random relatives side along apparated with Lily, Lucy, Hugo, and Louis and Roxy, the two sixth years.

The next morning, Christmas morning, mum woke me up at seven o'clock and told me to pick up Scorpius and then apperate ourselves over to the Burrow for Christmas. Scorpius looked beyond relieved when I showed up and after a lightning fast goodbye to his parents we were off to the Burrow. Apparation always makes me feel a little queasy and this was not helped by the noxious smell of burned meat loaf and crappy smelling fruit cake that Aunt Hermione was trying (and failing) to make. Apparently, the smell was doing little for Rose's mood too. Well, that and the fact that she never sees eye to eye with her mum and the two will fight for hours on end and because I had invited Scorp over for Christmas, and she hated him. Merry Christmas, Rose, looks like it's not your lucky year.

"Mum, why don't you just give it a rest? Leave the cooking to someone that can actually handle it, like Grandma!"

"I want you to drop the attitude, Pumpkin. You've just come home and I'm not in the mood for an argument. It's Christmas, Rosie; this is a time for appreciating your fami-"

"I know what the date is, thanks." Rose interrupted, glaring at her mum. Aunt Hermione turned back to her meat loaf frowning. Scorpius was the only one who was smiling right now.

"Pumpkin? Does she call you that because of your horrible orange hair?" He chuckled, but it was cut off when Rose threw her bag at him before she stomped off to her room and slammed the door. I looked over at Scorpius who had caught Rose's purse and then thrown it on the ground.

"Come on mate, you're gonna have to coexist with her for the entire break. Might as well start now. What do you hate about her anyway?"

"What's not to hate about her? I can't find a single nice thing to say about her." Scorpius smirked.

"Just go upstairs and apologize to her."

"Oh and Scorpius, while you're up there could you bring Rosie down? She can't stay locked up in her room the whole time." Aunt Hermione asked him. Scorpius refused to budge until I shoved him up the stairs.

Ugh, those two were never going to get along. My thoughts were interrupted by the door bell. It was only to be expected. For every single Christmas break Grandma insists upon everyone coming over on Christmas. And then she also makes all of her grandchildren sleepover her house, no matter how old they are. Now, I love my Grandma, but there is literally _nothing_ to do here, and we all get so bored and sick of each other.

And then to top off my Christmas, the people at the door are none other than Teddy and Victoire. My favorite sibling and my stuck up cousin. Oh and they brought their little bundles of joy, Dora and Apolline, the two year old twins. I hate those kids. They do nothing but scream and whine, and Victoire caters to their every whim, I swear they're going to be the most spoiled kids in history. And neither of them are even metamorphous.

"Hey Teddy. Hello Vic." Teddy gives me a one armed hug and his wife (my cousin) glares at me. She's still mad at me for the baby sitting fiasco of last summer. Basically, I 'accidently' fed the kids a sleeping draft. Turns out it worked a little too well because it took them days to wake up. I got in a lot of trouble for that one.

I left the living room and slipped quietly into Grandpa's study, hoping for some peace and quiet.

"Finally." I sighed, plopping down in a plushy armchair. But it seemed that fate was against me this evening because just then I heard a loud snore, courtesy of a sleeping Grandpa Weasley. Mumbling a string of curses under my breath, I stalked out of the room, looking for Rose and Scorpius. They were sitting on opposite ends of the couch, Scorpius looking bored and Rose looking furious from being dragged back downstairs.

_My aunt Margret's lost her mind!  
Trippin' on a train set, have another box of wine!  
It's gonna be a Merry, Merry, Merry freakin' Christmas!  
I must be on Santa Claus's Shit List!  
The tree, the gifts, the mistletoe kiss.  
Shoot, me now, I'm sick of all my relatives! (relatives, relatives)  
Have a merry, Merry, Merry freakin' Christmas!_

Just then, Aunt Audrey, Uncle Percy's uptight wife came strutting into the room, it was more than obvious that she was under the influence of about four drinks of firewhisky. As she turned around to gush at what a cute couple Rose and Scorpius were –much to the amusement of Scorpius and the fury of Rose- her five inch heel caught on Apolline's doll house, bringing both the princess dream tower and Aunt Audrey to the floor. Apolline promptly burst into uncontrollable tears and Audrey started ranting about everything from the fake tree to the horribly wrapped presents under it to the inappropriateness of Teddy and Victoire kissing under the mistletoe that was hanging in the center of the room. Thankfully, she quit her ranting and went back to the kitchen to open up a bottle of mead. She only drinks on the holidays, but Merlin does she compensate for the lack of alcohol during the break. Sometimes my family is just too much to handle.

_Uncle Richard, He's a weirdo  
Passing out pictures of himself in a speedo!  
My cousin, Ashley, her singing really sucks!  
Blames it on her drummer and her acid reflux!  
My brother's wife is really hot!  
She pulled me in the bathroom,  
I hope we don't get caught! _

_It's gonna be a Merry, Merry, Merry freakin' Christmas!  
I must be on Santa Claus's Shit List!  
The tree, the gifts, the mistletoe kiss!  
Shoot, me now! I'm sick of all my relatives! (relatives, relatives!)  
Have a Merry, Merry, Merry freakin' Christmas!_

Then I spot Uncle Charlie. Definitely one of my favorite uncles, just because he's usually full of cool stories, and because unlike everyone else in our family, he doesn't meddle. But he seems a little off this year, guess he and Audrey had some kind of fire whiskey extravaganza without us.

"Hey Uncle Charlie. How's Romania?" Charlie gives me a drunken smile.

"Absolutely bloody fantastic! Al, have you met my new girlfriend, Melissa? She's around here somewhere. Oh! Here, I've got a picture."

I almost guffawed when I saw the picture. Melissa looked nice enough, she was wearing a sundress on some beach. Uncle Charlie was a different story. He was wearing nothing but a neon purple speedo that clashed with his red hair. I gave him a Slytherin smirk that I had learned from Scorpius.

"Hey Uncle Charlie, you should show this to Uncle George. I'm sure that he'd love to see Melissa." Uncle Charlie smiled at me.

"That's a great idea. Thanks, Al."

"No problem." Hopefully this would liven up Christmas.

I heard the screeching right after Charlie left. Roxanne. Roxy had just graduated from Hogwarts last year and had joined a band called Wicked and Wild. She was their lead singer and she sucked. Whenever anyone insulted her voice, she just said it was all her drummer's fault because he was messing up the beat. Or, get this, she blames it on acid reflux, a disease that she does not have, no matter how much she pretends she does.

Fortunately, the door bell rang and interrupted her. Unfortunately, the person at the door was James. James and his wife Alyssa Potter, formerly Alyssa Bell. She was nineteen, a year younger than James and two years older than me and she was hotter than fiendfyre. She was tall and leggy with long brown hair and dark, alluring eyes. Truth be told, I had always sort of fancied her, but it was more than obvious that she was with James, you know because of the ring on her finger and the way they were currently snogging each other under the mistletoe. We had played Quidditch against each other a lot and were pretty friendly with one another. Alyssa smiled at me and James reach out to mess up my already disheveled hair.

"Hey Al, how've you been? I haven't seen you since my wedding last summer."

"I've been good, you?"

"Great! I got a job at Madam Malkin's as a model."

"You'll be the best looking model there, no contest."

"Thanks Al. You should come to one of our photo shoots sometime." Was she flirting with me? She used to sometimes back in Hogwarts, but I had always dismissed it as her trying to make James jealous.

"Sounds cool. I'll see you later, yeah?"

"Of course, Al," she purred.

Later came earlier than expected. We met up in an empty bathroom about ten minutes later. Normally, I would never ever do anything with a taken girl (I have some morals), but this was James' girl and he had never done anything nice for me.

"What if James finds out?" I asked, just to be safe. My brother, while practically incompetent does have a very nasty right hook. Trust me, I would know.

"He won't." she whispered breathlessly and proceeded to snog me senseless.

_We haven't even opened our presents yet,  
Now it's time to start...  
So I'll fake a smile, 'cause it's going back to Wal-Mart...  
Sweetie, are you OK in there? ohhh…  
It's gonna be a Merry, Merry, freakin' Christmas!  
I must be on Santa Claus's Shit List! _

_The tree, the gifts, the mistletoe kiss!  
Shoot, me now! I'm sick of all my relatives! (relatives, relatives!)  
Have a Merry, Merry, Merry freakin' Christmas!  
Merry freakin' Christmas!  
(I'm Santa W. Clause, and I approve this message!)_

"Okay kids, it's time for presents!" Everyone cheers with forced enthusiasm as Grandma Weasley herds us all over to the tree. Dominique angrily puts down her nail polish, blowing on her wet nails, Rose closes her book with a slam and stalks over to the tree. Victoire is stoking Dora's hair, trying to calm the brat down and Freddy is making copies of Uncle Charlie's embarrassing photo with his wand.

Alyssa and I quickly run over to the tree. She sits next to James and we all take out presents. I open the first one. It's from Aunt Hermione and just like all of the previous years, it's a book. And it's going back to the store, just like all of the other books do. The only good thing I got this year was a Zombies t-shirt from Scorpius, the Zombies is our favorite band.

Per usual there's a lot of whining from the toddlers and false smiles from the rest of us. It's so effing loud that I give Alyssa a look and head back to the bathroom. A few minutes later she joins me. We picked up where we left off until I hear James, right outside the door, saying

"Baby, are you okay in there?" Alyssa, who has the absolute worst timing ever, had just moaned rather loudly. James wrenched open the door and tried to catch me just as I was running out. Since I was out of his reach, he grabbed his wand from his pocket and bat bogey hexed me, the only hex he can actually perform. Why does my life suck?

When my nose stopped erupting bats, I returned to the living room which was shockingly empty except for two people…

"Bloody hell! What are you do!- I thought you?-What is going on?" Rose and Scorpius broke apart, both blushing furiously.

"Uh well Al, it was the just mistletoe, I swear!" Rose said trying to plead with me.

"I think it was a little more than 'just the mistletoe', Rose," Scorpius said almost sounding a little hurt, but teasing at the same time. How does he do that?

"More than the mistletoe?" I asked. "I thought that you two loathed each other!"

"Emphasis on the past tense, Al." Rose said in that know-it-all way of hers. I slowly backed away, this was a little too weird for me, it must be some sort of apocalypse. Rose and Scorpius smiled at my discomfort.

"Merry freakin' Christmas, Al!" They said simultaneously.

**Merry Christmas everyone! I would love it if you reviewed, it would make my Christmas!**


End file.
